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It's been a month exactly today. I know I should stop counting the days and start moving on. I should start working on myself. Well, I guess in order to do that I should probably accept the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Let that sink in so I can start moving forward. I need to pick up myself and go on with life. I can't be like this anymore. I need to stop hoping for the impossible.
Guess who broke the silence? Of course, its me. And I think it was a stupid mistake and I knew that but I still texted him anyway. I even told him that I was thinking about him all day. Ugh! I am so stupid. What happened to my self control? He clearly don't give a fucking damn. Why can't I just accept that and just move on with my life? He was never really mine to lose so what the fuck am I doing? Wake the fuck up, self!!
I'm trying hard here but I keep getting sucked into this hellhole. I want to hear his voice again but I don't think I should contact him - ever. I should stay away from him and let him be happy. Let him love someone. I wonder if I ever crossed his mind?  I wonder if I keep him up at night thinking about what could happen if we're still fighting for us.

Here I am in my room drinking this cheap wine and crying my eyes out. No matter what I do I keep gong back to our past, to our memories and I can't seem to escape.
I know you have so much to say to him but there's no point. He's not coming back even if you tell him you love him so much. You can't change his mind by telling him that you're hurting and you don't know where to start. He left for a reason. He's happy now. That's what you want in the first place. Remember, you even told him that it doesn't matter if you're not in his life anymore as long as he's happy. Cry a river if you have to. Just cry. Let it all out. Cry yourself to sleep. Write it down. Write down your thoughts, your pain. It's gonna get better, I swear. It may not be today but it will. One day, you'll be able to talk to him without crying. You'll smile again. Not the fake one that you wear everyday but a genuine smile. You've been sleeping and waking up with the same heavy feeling for God knows how long. I think you deserved a break. A chance to feel happy. I know, I know. You don't believe in that anymore. That sound…
Tonight, I will think about you. Your face, your smile, your voice. How you say "I love you baby", "I miss you my love", "cuddle me", "dream of us", "see you in our dreams". The first time I told you I love you over the phone and you made me repeat it twice and I did and it felt so good knowing you feel the same. I will think about how you used to tell me about your mom, sadie, your friends, your day, your work. I will think about the "salad" that you love so much, your love for whiskey and wine. Our favorite tv shows, movies and how much you hate clowns. The places that we want to visit. How you call Drake your "homeboy" whenever I teased you about him. And the day you introduced The Weeknd to me. I instantly fell inlove with his voice like I fell inlove with you. I will think about the days that I feel extremely sad because the distance is just killing me and you'll say something like "Baby, don't cry…
It's been a week. It's only been a week. I haven't said goodbye. I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I don't want to. I want him back but I know he doesn't want me back. He love me or maybe loved? He's probably happy now. After all, that's all I ever want for him.
I just woke up from a dream. You were there...with someone else. You were touching her back so she was so closed to you. Kissing her neck, her lips. Whispering to her ears. She was blonde. Pretty. I watched you and then I woke up. It was so vivid. It was so real. I woke up with a heavy feeling in my chest as if it wasn't heavy enough already and every time I close my eyes I see that picture. I can't even used sleep as my escape anymore. How did I let myself fell in this deep hole?